The Family has Cancer

My entire family has cancer. I am a married father of  3 boys, ages 9 - 13 - 16. Obviously each one of us doesn't have a cancer tumor in our bodies. However, when my wife gave me that call to come get here from work, because the tumor had tested positive, it wasn't just her life that started to feel fragile. The entire existence of our family unit felt as though we were in a battle for our its collective life. 

To say the diagnosis was "unexpected" is stupid. No one expects cancer, but Beth's diagnosis felt particularly out of nowhere. She has what is called "triple negative breast cancer". Do yourself a favor and DO NOT look it up. Everything you find on the web seems as though it is bracing you for watching your loved one die. The good news is, the prognosis is much better with new treatments that are available. Beth has never smoked, or drank, and stays fit. She has no family history of cancer, and she had no tangible explanation for why this had happened. I know this is where I am supposed to say "cancer is never fair",,, or "f*** cancer"... but I am not feeling sensitive to the community plight. This blog isn't being set up as a community response. I am using this forum to discuss the reality of going through a cancer diagnosis, as candidly as possible. 

Before I went to tell my sons about the reality of what was coming, I spent some time searching on line forums for advice. What I actually found is a bunch of sites filled with psycho babble, and people talking as though they are scared of what they say. Cancer is terrifying. Cancer is maddening. My feelings about it aren't calculated. They aren't well thought out. They are passionate, and they are angry, and they are illogical but most of all... they are real. I want to be angry, and sad, and outraged... and I would want others to feel that way if I was the one with the tumor. 

The entire well being of our family lives with the well being of that woman. As we go through this journey, I am fully aware of the ramifications of all possible outcomes. The divisions that could be created. The resentments. The alienation. The neglect. The lasting trauma. I am going to respond and write in this space with absolute freedom to reach the catharsis that can come through candid expressions of feeling. There is pain, and suffering, and fear... but there is also humor and growth and a very honest coming together that also exist. 

Cancer touches most peoples lives in one way or another. There are feelings and thoughts I feel are going unsaid due to the fear of alienation. Cancer having touched my family, has removed the fear of anything other than... well... the fucking cancer.